Daniel Keyes
January 30, 2009
It’s over. After almost 25-years of marriage, my parents are pulling the plug. They broke the news to my sister and I last March, and it was devastating at first. But soon I accepted they were no longer happy and it couldn’t go on. So I was glad they could now move on – it was the uncertainty that got to me.
My sister and I have lived with my parents under one roof for our entire lives. Countless questions crossed my mind, but I could never seem to find an answer. What happens now? Where will I live? How about the dog? And what about Christmas?
All I could do was wait for it all to be resolved. In the mean time, there was the tension. And the tension was much greater any time my parents were both in the same room – or even just at home at the same time. I was amazed to see how much a looming divorce can change the way two people treat each other. One day, they were getting along great, the next day it’s total hostility. The kitchen became a war zone and they each took up camp in their respective bases – my mom in the bedroom, and my dad in the guest room. I tried my best to keep my bedroom neutral territory and avoided their battles as much as I could. I thought about the petty arguments I had with my sister when I was younger, and the crap it got us into with our parents. Sometimes I considered giving them crap, but I took cover instead. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to escape. To avoid this tension, my parents took turns spending nights away from home, and it seemed to work until they crossed paths.
As Christmas approached that nagging uncertainty intensified. Our family has always spent Christmas together – what would the separation mean for that tradition? I remember being in the car with my dad one night and discussing how hard it was getting into the spirit this year. “Maybe if we had some eggnog,” he concluded. But all three stores we tried on the way home were sold out. I laughed a bit at the irony. But spirit or no spirit, a Christmas plan eventually emerged. My sister, my girlfriend and I would join my mom for a traditional Polish Christmas eve celebration at my mom’s aunt’s house, and we’d spend Christmas day at home with my dad, his side of the family and my girlfriend’s family.
Christmas eve went on as planned. We kicked off dinner with the traditional breaking of the bread. We all received our blessed thin wafers, and one by one we each broke a piece off one-another’s wafer and exchanged Christmas wishes. Then came the mushroom soup, pickled herring (or sledzie, as the Poles call it – try pronouncing that), a cabbage and mushroom dish and pickerel for the main course. And just like every other year, my sister ate perogies instead. Pretty much the only food she can’t stand is mushrooms, cabbage and sea-food – the staples of a Polish Christmas eve dinner. My four-year-old second cousin was anxious to get through dinner, just like I was at her age. I remember the presents taunting me under the tree – we always opened them after dinner on Christmas eve. But I wasn’t in any hurry this year. It was nice to sit with family at the table.
Christmas day was not as much of a tradition for our family, but I was starting to look forward to it. I could finally feel the spirit in the air. I smiled as I noticed my mom helping my dad stuff the turkey, although she would not be home to eat it. I could barely remember the last time I saw them appearing to get along. My dad’s side of the family was already over, and as dinnertime drew nearer, and the time for my mom to leave approached, I wondered what it was like to have to let go of half her family. They’re not blood-related, but they’ve been part of the same family for 25-years. At the last minute, she asked my Dad if he minded if she stayed. I knew it wasn’t what he had in mind – the pain and conflict was still fresh – but he put his reservations aside for Christmas. And I squeezed an extra chair in front of the dining room table.
Dinner began with vodka shots – another Polish tradition – and that set the tone for the night. I’ve never seen my grandpa take so many shots in my life. It reminded me how cool my family was – how much fun we always had. I was glad we could still do that. The night continued in the same fashion, and before all the guests had left, my mom was already passed out in her bed, and my dad was out cold on the couch.
My parents are still in the midst of separation. Our house has gone on and off the market, and I still don’t know where I’ll live when it’s all said and done. How long will it take? And what will our situation look like when it’s over? There’s so much uncertainty, but one thing’s for sure – I’ll always have my family.